Sunday, August 8, 2021

Aspy Burnout

 I'm watching tons of vids trying to learn about Autism.  One of the things mentioned over and over again is 'Autistic Burnout' which is apparently different than muggle burnout.  Something to do with the world just getting to be too much to deal with and you literally shut down and have to sleep.  I'm still trying to understand it.

Looking back I'm pretty sure this happened to me in high school.  I think life just got to be too much and I had to shut down for several weeks.  I had always wondered if I had mono since I mostly just slept, ate and caught up with homework but now that I look at it I'm pretty sure it was autistic burnout. So much stuff happened to me during my senior year.

The biggest thing was that my dad had gotten violent with us so we literally moved out during the day when he was away at work and went to a rental house in another town.  I had to be driven to school since the bus didn't go to this town and I should have been in a different school but we never reported the move to the school so that we couldn't be found in case he retaliated.  I remember my theatre teacher dropping me off at the house after rehearsals because my mom had to go to work.

I was trying to get into college so that I could get the fuck out of my horrid living situation.  It was my grand plan to run away from home in a socially acceptable manner.  This meant I was taking upper level classes and classes at the local college in addition to my regular course load, being the stage manager for two different theatre companies and working part time.  I was also trying to graduate from high school early while applying for all the scholarships I could find since I didn't have any money for college.  

Oh and my guinea pig had a stroke and had to be put to sleep.  He was paralyzed and could no longer move around.  I'd had him for well over a decade.

And my dad was stalking my mom.

Pfft no wonder I burned out.  I remember being in precalc class and just not being able to stay awake.  The kids had figured out they didn't need to do their homework at home all they had to do was tell the teacher they couldn't figure a problem out and he would do it on the board for them.  Each kid would pick a different homework question that they had a 'problem' with until the entire set was done for them.  All they had to do was furiously copy the answers off the board.  Meanwhile, I had done them myself the night before at home so I went to sleep on my desk instead.  Every.  Single. Day.  I finally just stayed home for a couple of weeks and slept and ate and slept and ate.  It was back before I needed a doctor's note to go back to school after a prolonged absence.  My mom's note was fine.  One teacher yelled at me over it.  I just handed him the pile of homework I had done during my hiatus.  He was then floored when a few weeks later I had him sign off on my early graduation.  He thought I was being lazy etc etc and had no clue I had been working as hard as I possibly could.

I was never sick during this episode.  No fever.  No sore throat.  Nothing like that.  Just crazy tired.  I'm amazed my mom let me stay home like that but she knew something was up.  I'm really glad she did.  That was an act of kindness on her part and I'm really grateful for it now that I look back on things.

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