Interval Training for CFS

Back when I was healthy, I used to do interval training.  This is where you exercise as hard as you possibly can for a fixed amount of time and then drop to a low intensity for the same amount of time.  It makes you feel like you are going to drop dead of a heart attack but it is very effective at increasing lung capacity and cardiac capacity.  I used to do one minute intervals on a rowing machine.

CFS crash recovery reminds me of interval training.  For every 30 minutes of light activity I have to lie down in a quiet shady spot for 30 minutes.  This allows me to get things done without causing my symptoms to worsen.  Activity is cumulative when it comes to crashes.  Unless you allow yourself to return to baseline, it can quickly become a downward spiral.

I was fighting this crash.  Mostly because I was doing so well prior.  I assumed that I would recover in a couple of days and go back to having tons of energy.  I pouted.  I railed.  And yesterday, after some crying, I accepted that this was going to be a prolonged crash and that I needed to start CFS interval training.

Today, each time I got the least bit brain foggy or tired, I went and laid down in a quiet spot.  I never slept but would close my eyes and empty my mind.  I would just shut off for a bit.  After a while my eyes would open and a while later I would get restless and start fussing.  Time to get up again.  So my day went: breakfast, rest, dinner prep, rest, dress, rest, paperwork, rest and so on.  My rhythm turned out to be 20-30mins on and 30 mins off.  Paperwork causing brain fuzz much faster than physical work which I found surprisingly odd.

So, I'm plodding through my LTD paperwork.  I got quite a bit done today.  I had decided not to stress out over it and not to set any goals.  With the intervals, I managed to get out three faxes, two emails and a letter all requesting medical records.  I also managed to fill out four forms which are always extremely hard and taxing for me mentally.  I also made a wonderful crockpot chicken dinner, scrambled eggs and sausage breakfast and managed to get dressed.  WOOT!!

You can't deny that this method works.  I'm slightly fogged tonight but I'm not the headbobbing incoherent mess that I was yesterday or the day before.  So it looks like CFS interval training for me for the foreseeable future.  I would love to say this crash will end soon but there is just no way to predict things with this illness and this is definitely a prolonged crash.

BTW, today is my last day on Xifaxin, an antibiotic.  Tomorrow I load up on probiotics.  I'll probably start my day with a large glass of clay to help flush stuff out.  By tomorrow night, I'll be eating fermented pickles, beets, cabbage, and maybe some yogurt, kefir, and kombucha.  One of the food bloggers I follow call kraut, kefir and kombucha the trifecta of ferments.  She believes they will cure anything.  Here's hoping!!

A New Plan

I need a new plan.  I am now in my third spectacular crash within the last six weeks.  As soon as I start feeling better I start cooking, house cleaning and driving.  And the inevitable happens.  Why do I do this to myself?  I guess I want to feel normal.  I want to act normal.  I want to have a clean kitchen to work in.  I want good real food to eat.  I want to make yogurt and bread from scratch.  I want to drive myself to appointments.  I want to be able to walk into the docs office under my own steam.

I spent last week driving myself around town.  I went to the shrink, the chiropractor and the masseuse. I cooked yummy real food dinners and made myself omelets and sauteed kale for breakfast everyday.  I picked my kid up from the bus stop.  What was my downfall?  I did the dishes.  I was sick of the kitchen being a mess.  On Friday I showered, dressed, made breakfast, went to a massage, did the dishes and picked up the kid.  Wow!!  I haven't done all that in one day in a dogs age.  I got back from the bus stop and collapsed on the couch.  I'm still there three days later.  I've been using the walker to get around the house when I can even manage to get up.  Why oh why??  I know better.

So I need a new plan.  Instead of being driven by instinct, which apparently is out to get me, I need to come up with something more structured so I don't end up permanently stuck in bed.  I also think I have to go over this game plan with hubby so that he understands what is going on and doesn't expect me to exceed my limits.  Like someone said it is like having a car that only get $5 of gas per week.  Once the gas is gone that's it for the week.  I have to plan my trips better.

So.
Hum.
Now what?

I think forced resting is going to have to be part of this.  What I did back in September worked well: do something then lie down for at least 20 minutes.  So, shower: lie down.  Cook: lie down.  Dress: lie down.  Drive: lie down.  Etc.  No cheating.  I might have to set a timer to limit my internet activities when I first get up in the morning.  It is like a drug.  I have this urge to go online first thing. It often compresses my schedule when I have to go to an appointment and the rest periods are the first to go.  I need to not do this.  Facebook will still be there in the evening when I can take my time going through things.

And back to the no sugars, no grains, no cheating part of the diet.  Back to at least a Paleo diet plan.  I think I'm going to have to enlist my doctor or my nutritionist for help to incorporate all of the vegetables for Dr. Wahls diet.  I need to be able to eat cruciferous vegetables without the heartburn or Prilosec.

The Plan:
Forced rest periods
Day off between appointments/trips
Make doc/nutritionist apt to take care of stomach probs
Back on Paleo diet with as much veg as I can handle comfortably

Goals:
Being able to cook breakfast and dinner each day
Make juice daily
Being able to make simple items such as yogurt and easy Paleo baked goods (baked goods reduces the urge to cheat on the diet)
9 cups of veg a day: 3 cruciferous, 3 mixed colors, 3 others/fruit
Being able to drive to local appointments
No more major crashes

Life is Good?

I'm still standing!  No crash today.  I felt good enough to drive around the corner to the store which I did.  Mom pushed me in the wheelchair and I got to go clothes shopping.  YAY!!  First we toddled around Kohl's and then for larks went around the Salvation Army Thrift store.  We both picked up very good clothing for dirt cheap.  I got a lovingly worn fall coat for $12 and two nice sweaters for $5 each.  Mom got two pairs of pants for $5 each and a pile of paperbacks for 90cents each.  Paydirt!  Just because a girl is on disability doesn't mean she has to go without nice clothes.

Then I managed to drive home!  AND cook dinner!  Holy cow!  I'm tired now and will probably go to bed early but that is okay.  I did awesome today!  I felt normal today. I don't feel normal now.  I feel like my crappy CFS self but this afternoon for a short while I felt normal.  Not the sickie.  And it is scaring the crap out of me.

So here were a few thoughts driving home from my party fun time afternoon:

• I was just getting used to being sick.
• I was just getting the hang of the flow of the day based on severe fatigue levels.
• Now I seem to be rapidly getting better. 
• Right this second I feel normal.  Like a real normal human being.
• I feel like I did before I got sick.  Clear head.  Driving around on a sunny afternoon.  Talking with my mom while driving!  Multitasking!!
• Crap when will I be expected to work again?
• How will I know when it is time to try?
• Will I be forced back before I can handle it?
• When will the insurance company start interfering with my life again?
• Are they going to tail me on one of my shopping jaunts?
• What will happen to my having the time to cook real food (time consuming)?
• Will I be too exhausted from working to do anything else in my life?
• When can I start skating again?
• Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!

My life, too be continued....
BTW, I purchased a book entitled "Nature Walks in Southern New Hampshire" in anticipation of my impending good health.  Something to look forward to.

Pacing FAIL

Yup I suck at pacing.  Total fail today.  I only meant to shower, throw out the rotting vegetables in the fridge and buy some groceries.  In one of my rambling walks through the house I discovered that the bag of cat litter had ruptured and the cat had scattered the litter all over the laundry room, possibly using it as an open air potty in the process.  This lead to transferring the kibble from a bucket to a storage jar so I could transfer the litter to the bucket and then sweep up the mess.  Of course that led to a litter box change and more cleaning.  I discovered that my sweaters in the laundry room were still damp so those had to go into the dryer for an air fluff dry.  Which lead to my needing a cup of real coffee and breaking one of my diet rules: no coffee.  But heck I needed one after that little episode.

On to the fridge clean out.  Ick.  Some of the vegetables had melted which meant I had to empty the drawers so that I could clean the goo out of them.  Which lead to my cleaning off the shelves which lead to my removing one of them to scrape the cardboard off that had welded itself to the shelf several months ago and had been impervious to prior fridge cleaning binges.  After two drawer cleanings and a shelf removal and a full garbage can I was done for the day with that little task even though one or two other shelves really needed a cleaning as well.

Instead I sat down to make the shopping list.  Which lead to calling my kid to see if he was coming over for dinner, which lead to my finding out  that I needed a ride to the Marino Center on Thursday for my IV.  Which lead to a phone call to arrange for the MBTA Ride to come get me making sure that the transportation disaster that happened last week won't be repeated this week.

Quick!  Marinade the chicken before you go out or you'll be too pooped to do it when you get back.  Find baggies, decide on dressing for marinade, slice up chicken into reasonable sized pieces, throw in bag, smoosh around, throw in fridge for later.

Now to find my wallet, the shopping list and the reusable bags so that we can head out the door to do the actual shopping.  Oh yeah, the cat needs feeding first because it is now 4pm and it is her dinner time.  Shopping went well but took longer than I expected.  I was beat when I got home and was glad that I had marinaded the chicken BEFORE I left the house.  A quick salad, marinade a large portabello cap and some asparagus and send hubby off to grill dinner.  I'm done.  I'm really done.  Am I going to pay for this tomorrow??  We'll just have to wait and see.  I SUCK at pacing but I'm thoroughly impressed with the amount of stuff I accomplished today and I didn't even get any neuro symptoms!  Of course tomorrow I might end up in bed all day which would stink because I would really like to make pickles and jellied cranberry sauce.

Eye See You Mr. ME

Being an optics geek and a geek in general I've always been fascinated by eyeballs and how they work.  My early fascination with them probably started when I had eye surgery when I was six to correct lazy eye and I've been learning about them ever since.

Eyeballs are pretty primitive actually.  You can think of them like a water balloon.  Kind of roundish and squishy.  They are literally a sack filled with fluid.  Then if you cut a hole in the balloon exactly opposite the knot and glue a lens in place, you have a pretty good replica.  Now add an imaging plane (photographic film) inside the balloon centered over the knot and you have an eyeball.  I think of the knot as the nerve cluster that heads off to the brain to transport the visual data from the imaging plane to the visual cortex in the brain.

The main problem with eyeballs is getting the balloon to focus the image coming from the lens onto the film so that the picture isn't fuzzy.  This is done with muscles.  So now add a pair of hands squishing and squeezing the balloon and you have an eyeball that can focus an image onto the film that can now be transmitted to the brain and the picture will be in focus.

What does this have to do with Mr. ME?  Muscles.  You are using muscles all the time you are using your eyes.  Muscles not only move your eyes around in their sockets but also squeeze them to maintain and change focus so that you can see objects up close or at distance.  Mr. ME doesn't let us use our muscles much before they become fatigued and this includes our eyes. 

Now reading and computer work in particular are difficult things for our eyes to do for any length of time even if we are healthy.  Eye fatigue from computer use is very common.  Did you know that you blink less when you stare at a computer screen?  This causes our eyeballs to dry out even in healthy people and increases eye fatigue. 

Our eyes aren't designed to be static.  When outdoors we are always looking around and constantly changing our focus.  Reading a computer screen is like standing still holding a 5lb pail out straight with our arm.  It isn't heavy at first but just wait until your arm gets tired.  It soon feels like it weights 5 tons instead of 5lbs.  This is what we are doing to our eyes using a computer.  We are forcing our eyeballs to stay at exactly the same focal distance for hours.  Now add CFS to the mix and it is no wonder that we have trouble reading and using a computer.

What to do?  Here are some tips and tricks from cubical world to help with reading:

• Use indirect light.  Never ever ever have a light pointed directly at or over a computer screen.
• On the other hand use really good lighting when reading a book or get the audio version.  My library has books that can be downloaded to my computer or I can get little dedicated MP3 player books from the library itself.
• Use incandescent light in areas that you are trying to read (books or computer).  Eliminate florescent lighting in the area including CFLs.
• For computer work use low room lighting directed away from your screen which is preferably incandescent.
• Look away about every 15 minutes, defocus your eyes, look out the window to get your eyes to focus long distance.  The further away the better.  This is done naturally when flipping a page in a book.  Use a software timer to interrupt you if you get absorbed in material like I do.
• Site your desk or chair near a window so you can look up and out frequently
• Look away and blink rapidly and then close your eyes to remoisturize them
• Lower the brightness level of your screen
• Lower the contrast levels of your screen
• Move the computer monitor as far away from you as possible.
• Use writing software that allows you to change the background color.  White is very fatiguing.  Just look at the Kindle; they actually use a soft gray screen so that it is easier on the eyes.  It is also another reason books are easier to read than a computer screen.
• Use an antiglare shield on the screen
• You can even adjust the brightness of the TV set so that it is softer.  Again use low room light and sit as far away from the TV screen as you can.
• Take frequent breaks.  Put down the reading and do a little stretching.  You don't have to necessarily get up.  Just move around a bit.  Wiggle.  Rest the eyes.
• When I watch commercial TV I close my eyes during commercials to give them a rest.
• Use the zoom function on the computer to enlarge the screen.  It makes things way easier to read.  I have it permanently set at 150% and often increase it to 200% or 400% if I am having trouble focusing on something in particular.
• Fiddle with the assistive tech built into the computer software
• On Windows go into the Control Panel and look for the wheelchair icon.
• Vista has text to speech, contrast controls, mouse controls that make it easier to point and click and see the cursor, the ability to stop animations and get rid of background pics
• Use text to speech software
• Use speech to text software.  I used Dragon Naturally Speaking about six years ago when I was having problems with my hands.  I used the full version which is expensive but it is one of the better products on the market.  I did hate the autofill function which often guessed wrong and I did spend a considerable amount of time fixing what it typed.  You can get a home edition at Costco for about $60.
• Do some eye palming (see first video)
• Do some eye yoga (see second video).  I used to do an almost identical practice with my yoga teacher.  This is an excellent video and the exercises can be done lying down.  Bonus!!

Other resources:

http://www.visionworksusa.com/ vision exercises and nutrition by an ophthalmologist
http://www.aoa.org/x4724.xml
http://www.working-well.org/index.html While this about ergonomics for healthy people, FM and CFS folk are even more suseptible the effects of bad posture and repetition.  This site has tons of information and resources.
 http://www.afb.org/section.asp?Documentid=787 state libraries for people with print disabilities i.e. LOTS of digital books

Feel free to add to the list of suggestion or links.

Off In La La Land

I would love to write a nice long coherent post but I seem to have crashed again today.  I had some great ideas to write about while I was lying down but they have run off in the fog.  This is such a strange illness.  Two days ago I was doing well.  I dragged kid off the market to get some supplies in after our big snowstorm.  22" here in town with about one hour with no power.  The day after I needed some more meat for dinners for the next couple of days.  We went to two markets (ah maybe this was the mistake) so that I could make amazing chili and our favorite America's Test Kitchen Baked Ravioli.  I have to get the ravioli and sausage from the real Italian market the next town over.  I drove since the kid had lost his wallet.  Now I haven't driven in MONTHS.  I was so happy that I was clear headed enough to drive.  It felt weird and wonderful.  Of course I made the kid push me around the market in my wheelchair so I didn't use any of my precious energy walking up and down the aisles.  He HATES pushing me in the wheelchair.  It is the one issue that he pushes back on with my illness.  He desperately wants me to walk around the market under my own power.  He doesn't mind driving me all over the planet but he doesn't want me in the chair.  Anyway, we got the stuff.   I started to feel a little woozy on the drive home and knew I was done for the day.  I threw together the chili in the crockpot and sat down for the afternoon. 

Yesterday, we went for a little trip to the library and the health food store.  I had just received hate mail from the library for keeping several books for over two months and I desperately needed B12.  I was down to my last two pills and I was totally out of GF bread for my breakfast.  I was tired yesterday.  I didn't want to do anything but the trip to the health food store was ten or fifteen minutes tops.  It is a little store.  Smaller than most convenience stores these days.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  I had to skip making the ravioli dinner.   Hubby wanted to go out with the guys anyway so I just ate some leftover chili.  I spent the evening on the couch watching the movies I picked up from the library.  I figured I would be fine. 

Then today.  I was tired when I woke up.  I was only up two hours when I had the overwhelming urge to sleep again so I went back to bed.  I'm not sure if I slept or not but three hours later hubby came in to find out how I was doing.  As soon as I stood up I knew I was going to be in trouble.  When I get really bad I get the shakes.  Hubby says I look like a Parkinson's patient since I loose control of my head movements as well as my hands.  I don't have fast small shakes but rather slow large adjustments of body part location.   The ringing in my ears gets wicked loud and I also get really thirsty.  So here I was sitting on the couch trying to read a book but my head was bobbing and weaving and my hand was shaking.  I ended up putting a pillow on my lap, putting the book on the pillow and then propping my head in my hand so that I was still enough to read.  Of course my comprehension left something to be desired and I kept having to read the same passage over several times for it to sink in but the book was good enough that I was willing to put up with that.

I had the shakes so bad by dinner that both my son and hubby pitched in to help with the ravioli.  They both love this dish so I didn't even have to ask for help.  Oh my, what a difference a month makes.  Dinner prep was so pleasant.  No yelling, no hissy fits.  Just everyone pitching in and helping each other cook.  It was awesome.  So here I am in a fog with the shakes, very loud buzzing in my right ear and terribly thirsty with not much to say.  Bleh....   I wonder if I'll be like this Monday when I see the Endocrinologist.  That should be interesting.  I'll have to make a list of stuff I want to ask her since hubby won't be there to help me out at the appointment.  I really want to get tested for OI/POTS. 

The Balancing Act

I just read an interesting article in the Huffington Post entitled "Six Ingredients for a Good Life".  The basic premise is that life is a balancing act.

"The true measure of greatness is our capacity to navigate between our opposites with agility and grace -- to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never to stop trying to get better."

I love the author's ideas and think that even though I'm chronically ill they still apply to me.  Here is my synopsis:
We need to find balance between three pairs of extremes.  While either end is a good thing too much can lead to problems and a balance between the two ends is the ideal position.

Constantly seek to learn and grow, but accept yourself exactly as you are.
Learning and growing require a willingness to look honestly and unsparingly at our shortcomings. Start with your own greatest strength. When you overuse it, it's almost surely a window into your own greatest weakness.  By being aware of my inclination to overuse a strength -- by recognizing my own vulnerability -- I was [sic] able to make a different choice.

Add Value to Others and Take Care of Yourself
Gratifying our most immediate needs and desires provides bursts of pleasure, but they're usually short-lived. We derive the most enduring sense of meaning and satisfaction in our lives when we serve something larger than ourselves. Giving to others generates an extraordinary source of energy.

Focus Intensely and Renew Regularly
Unlike machines, however, human beings aren't meant to operate at the highest intensity for very long. Instead, we're designed to pulse between spending and renewing energy approximately every 90 minutes.
It's not the hours you work that determine the value you generate, but rather the energy you bring to whatever hours you work. The more skillfully you renew, the more energy you'll have.

The first one I learned as in my yoga class years ago.  It is a Buddhist idea.  You always strive for perfection but know that everything is perfect the way it is now.

The second one we, as chronic chicks, have to be careful with.  We are often at the extreme end of giving to others.  We need to pull to the other end and take care of ourselves so that we can get better.  I have found writing this blog, writing Fast Foodie and reading/commenting on other blogs is my way of giving back to the community in a way that doesn't deplete my energy stores.

"Selfishness is about making your own gratification paramount. Self-care is about making sure you're addressing your own most basic needs, so you're freed and fueled to also add value to others."

I particularly like the last one.  I think I'm going to try an experiment where I set up a timer and go lie down and close my eyes every hour and a half no matter what I'm doing.  If the body naturally resonates on this schedule this could be a great help to recovery.  I know that prior to getting ill I was a pusher.  I would work for hours without a single break.  I would sit down at my workstation in the morning and then be surprised that it was time to eat lunch.  Where had the last four hours gone?  For me, pacing is the hard lesson of the chronic life.

Consequences

With this illness there are always consequences.  Of course this is true even when well.  If you eat too much sugar you get a sugar buzz.  If you drink too much you get a hangover.  If you have too much caffeine you can't sleep.  But with this illness everything has a consequence.  No matter what you do the result is the same you end up on the couch unable to move.  Monday and Tuesday I was recovering from Baffled's excellent weekend.  Today I'm recovering from picking my Mum up from the airport.  Thank goodness my hubby was driving.  I wouldn't have been able to handle this minor disaster if I had gone on my own.

First a little background information: I live near Boston so Logan airport is the closest airport to my house.  Logan is an international airport and huge.  It has five terminals each with two floors.  Departures are on the top floor and arrivals are on the bottom floor of each terminal.  And thanks to the TSA we can no longer dally around the pick up area.  It takes ten minutes to drive the loop back to the terminal where your passenger might be. 

Now the story.  Mum flew in to visit over Thanksgiving.  Yay!  I was so excited that I didn't sleep well the night before.  I kept waking up.  And of course when I finally fell into a deep sleep the neighbor's dog started barking and woke me up.  Anyway, the day finally arrived and hubby and I went to the airport.  We drove into the passenger pick up area of the arrivals level of terminal C.   No Mum.  There were too many cars to pull up curb side so we decided to drive the loop and try again.  Well since the whole Big Dig thing in Boston, Logan has been under construction as well.  It took a bit of navigation on my husband's part to get around the loop correctly.   Of course, in true Boston fashion, the signage sucks and are even totally missing in the major intersection.  Not an improvement by my definition but hey no one asked me either.  Anyway, loop two.  Still no Mum.  This time there was curb space so we pulled over and sat waiting.  Still no Mum.  Finally the TSA cop came over and waved us away.  Loop three:  I decided to get out of the car and walk around the inside of the terminal to find out what was going on.  Hubby drove off for round four and five.  Now of course she flew in on a small airline that shares space with JetBlue.  I walked up to the only monitors in the lobby only to find out they only list JetBlue flights even though Cape Air shares their facilities.  So no flight information.  I go to the information desk, "could you find out for me if the Cape Air flight from New York has arrived yet please?"   "Cape Air doesn't fly out of New York."  "Oh yes it does.  My Mum is on the flight."   "No they don't."  I guess stupidity isn't limited to doctor's offices.  "Lake Placid."  "Oh.  Let me look."  Now check a map folks; Lake Placid is defiantly in New York.  This information person isn't going to win Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? anytime soon even though she works in an international airport.  Anyway, when she finally figured out that Cape Air does indeed fly out of Lake Placid NY she told me that it had been delayed and that I needed to check upstairs to find out when it was going to land.  Ugh.  I'm already tired.  My legs feel like lead balloons.  Off to the escalator.  I get to the upstairs lobby and all I see is United and JetBlue agents.  Then tucked in a corner I see one little desk for Cape Air.  By this point, the desk looks like it is miles away.  I feel like I am traversing several football fields rather than a few feet to the desk.  Luckily it wasn't busy and there was no line.  In fact the girl behind the desk was reading a book.  That is a first at Logan.  Anyway, she tells me that the flight was not delayed and that it had in fact already landed.  Okay, back downstairs and to the batcar.  I am so very lucky that there are lots of seats out on the passenger platform.  I am now walking as slow as molasses.  I sit down and wait for husband to arrive.  He picks me up and since there is no curb space we drive off again.  We stop at the deli on this loop so he can get a sandwich.  We have now been circling the airport for 45 minutes.  We make loop 6.  Still no Mum or parking so off we go again.  Loop 7: I get out again.  I make another walk through of the lower lobby.  The same three people are sitting there as the last time.  No one is at the bank of phones.  There is no luggage on the carousels.  And still no Mum.  I go back out to the platform and sit down again.  I'm toast.  I keep looking around while waiting for hubby to come back on loop 8.  We have now called the house to leave a message with my kid in case grandma calls the house.  We've called my sister in NY who called the NY airport to see if she had gotten on the plane, which she had.  My sister was now in a panic and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Crap.  We finally decided that we had to park the car in the garage and go look inside, check the bathrooms and get security involved.  So hubby beaches the car in the garage.  Of course the only parking spots were the furthest possible from the terminal C.  Hubby insisted that I stay in the car and try to sleep while he went walking around the airport.  For some reason he didn't want to peel me off the floor since I was close to collapsing.  So here I am on a lovely sunny day, sitting in a crappy diesel VW half sleeping in the parking garage of Logan airport with no idea where on the planet my mother was.  I was so tired I couldn't get really worried about it.  My sister was in a near panic and I was falling asleep.  What the hell is wrong with me???  I doze off a few times.  I finally rested enough for my brain to turn back on.  I turn on the car radio and find out that we had now been at the airport of over an hour and still no sign of Mum and now my husband had been missing for over a half hour.  Of course I didn't bring my cellphone because we had done this twice before flawlessly.  We had picked Mum up with her only waiting five minutes at most.  Not so this time.  I was actually starting to worry.  Finally, after one hour and fifteen minutes at Logan my husband comes into view dragging a suitcase behind him and Mum in tow.  I jump out of the car and yell "Yay!  He found you!"  We hugged a long time and finally climbed in the car. 

It turns out the plane was horribly late.  But when my Mum got here she walked out of the upstairs floor to wait since she didn't have any checked luggage.  She was on the departures floor instead of the arrivals floor.  Hubby somehow spotted her when she went back into the lobby to find a phone to call someone to let us know where she was.  I think we are buying her a cellphone for Christmas.

What is Wrong With This Picture?

I get tired easily. Really easily. Like nausea, dizzy, shaky, almost pass out tired. I'm housebound cuz of it.

So yesterday I had a chiro appointment and my kid offered to drive me there. Yeah kid! Hubby is home painting the house. Once he gets going on something he hates stopping for anything. On the way to the doctor my kid gets a message on his cell, "pick up paint from Home Depot, 3 cans, see John, call when on way". Ok. This shouldn't be too bad: stop at pharmacy and get some girl supplies, stop at Depot and pick up three cans of already mixed paint.

I get my adjustment. My kid gets his adjustment (so much for the altruism: he needed an adjustment: boo). We go out to the car and I call hubby. He asks me to stop in the grocery store to purchase dinner after the stop at the Depot for the paint. Ugh. This is getting long but still doable. Quick trip in the Depot and quick trip in the market. Off we go.

On the way to the Depot we run out of gas. Great. We stop in a gas station and kid fills it up. Due to the heavy traffic volume and the fact the kid is still learning how to drive we have to head about a half a mile in the wrong direction, find a place to turn around and then head to the Depot again. We finally get there and there is a line. The lady at the counter is having a huge debate with the one and only guy behind the counter regarding paint color. Great. I park myself and the carriage next to the counter to hold my place in line. There is no where to sit. Bugger. The first lady leaves and the second lady wants a simple quart of paint and has her paint chip in hand. No problem. He turns to me and I tell him I'm here to pick up three cans of premixed paint. Now it begins. Because husband didn't pay for the paint over the phone they never mixed it up. The guy behind the counter is by himself and can't do more than one order at a time or he gets confused (which is ok since he told us this outright and I'm cool with that) so I wait. He mixes lady #1 paint and then does lady #2 and then starts mine. Luckily I was watching. The machine dumped tons and I mean tons of red colorant in the tin. My house is green. I asked the guy if that was my paint. He tells me yes. I told him that I thought it was the wrong color. He stops prepping the next tin and decided to mix the first tin to see what color the paint comes out. Rust. I look at him and tell him that isn't the color of my house. He asks me if my hubby decided on a different color. No. I need green. Oh and BTW John has gone home. This is Tom and knows nothing about the order. Time to call hubby to get the mix numbers off the old paint tin. My cell doesn't work. The kid's cell doesn't work. The guy hands me his phone. I call the wrong number. The guy walks off to help another customer. I finally get hubby on the phone and get all the numbers. The guy talks to him as well. We hang up and he finally mixes up a new batch that comes out the right color. Now for the other two tins. Yeah. We finally have three tins of green paint. Off we go to the check out counter. This is where someone races me to the counter to get in front of me. Ok he only has one item. Au contraire. Turns out he has mom and dad with him who finally come hobbling over each laden down with stuff. I only have three items. I'm getting tired and the cashier wants to know if the guy wants an extended warranty for the power tool dad just plopped on the counter. My back and foot hurt cuz I've been standing on a cement floor waiting around. I could have been through the check out line before this guy got all of his junk even assembled but he had to cut me in line. I am now leaning on the crap at the check out lane hoping the display won't shift under my weight. It has now been an entire hour and we still have to go shopping. Bugger.

I'm tiring but still ok. My kid hasn't been grocery shopping with me for while and I haven't been in a week so I decide to stock up. The trip itself is pleasant enough. People do try to cut me off since I am limping and walking too slow for them but in general I'm ok and we get lots of food and supplies.

We get home and I'm dragging. I know I'm going to completely crash soon. I need to get the chicken in the marinade for dinner before I sit down cuz if I sit now I won't get up. Turns out I have to scrub the pans before I can use them. Whoever did the dishes did a crappy job cleaning the pans. The dinner is simple enough. Rice in a rice cooker, marinade chicken for grill, and green beans but now I have to do dishes before I can even start dinner. I prep everything and I'm now at my limit. I MUST lie down. I'm beyond sitting at this point. I have to lie down and not move a muscle. I plop on the couch, turn on the TV, put on the news, get the sound just right and close my eyes. I notice I keep drifting off cuz I miss the end of the weather report and miss bits and pieces of other reports. As they say in England "I'm completely fagged."

I keep checking in with the noises my husband is making trying to figure out when he has put the meat on the grill so I can start the green beans. All I hear is the paint sprayer going. Apparently I slept through the noises of him coming indoors (loud), picking up the chicken (next room) and going back outside (loud). Suddenly, out of the blue, my husband calls "Dinner". I climb off the couch and hobble into the kitchen using chairs, walls etc to hold me up. He takes one look at me and says "doesn't look like you're going to the car show with me tonight." I snapped. I was so angry. I went off on him "I just spent two hours going around stores and then I prepped dinner. How do you expect me to go out?" "Woh, woh. Don't bark at me. Go sit down." We had a quiet dinner of perfectly cooked chicken and rice and warm very crunchy green beans. He went to the car show alone. I was parked on the couch all night drifting in and out of sleep. I didn't even recover enough to take a shower later which is what I had planned. So much for going out with hubby for the evening.

So why am I angry? I can only do two maybe three things in a day. This means that typically hubby has to run errands and pick up meat for dinner. I try to go shopping once a week but I never buy meat cuz hubby decides what he wants to eat day of. Hence I can't plan food in advance. I have thrown out so much meat that I don't buy it ahead of time anymore. Since I buy only organic meats it is very expensive stuff to chuck in the garbage. Having him pick up meat, while reasonable to me, makes hubby have daily hissy fits. He HATES going out to buy meat for dinner, even if it is on his way home from his office. He HATES it and he lets me know every single day that he HATES it. I just have to suck up his anger. Me saying anything just makes things worse. Right around 4pm my anxiety level goes through the roof cuz I'm waiting for the dreaded "what's for dinner" question. I must say it is one of the more moronic dances that my husband and I do in our marriage but I haven't found a way to stop it yet.

Enough of him, back to me: hubby had asked me to accompany him to the car show, I liked the idea of getting out of the house for a change, I ended up running his errands for him, going on an unplanned shopping trip at his request and making dinner for him and then he makes that bonehead comment and doesn't understand why I lost it. Instead of getting a thank you for running his errands and making him dinner he gives me shit about being run down. Yeah. I'm angry. I'm still angry. Not sure I've figured out how to take care of it. He went on a fishing trip today. He seems to be escaping from the house a lot lately. I get left behind cuz I'm broken. Yup, I'm angry.