This was hands down the WORST Valentine's Day EVER!
I used all my spoons cooking a dinner from scratch and made a special flourless chocolate cake from scratch. This is the first cake I've made in 2-3 years and the first one I've made by myself since getting sick. I was really proud of my accomplishment. It was proof of how much I have improved over the last year. Instead of a celebration hubs decides to throw one of his "you're sick and I can't take it anymore" hissy fits.
Prior to this non-celebration he left me an awful card. A dog with its tongue hanging out with words to the effect that I make him drool. Really classy! No flowers. No chocolate. No present.
I sent him out to the supermarket to get my kid a carnation and some chocolate so he wouldn't be left out (he recently broke up with his own girlfriend). Hubs comes back with a bunch of daisies and tells me to give one to the kid and keep the rest for myself. Awe. How thoughtful of him. (can you hear the sarcasm in my words???)
So we sit down to dinner. I'm pretty cooked by this point. Like I said I had used all of my spoons making this special meal. I gave hubs his box of chocolate and dished up his dinner. He went over to the stereo that he recently fixed and turned the bass on really loud. Now my poor brain can't handle this. Bass in particular really bothers it. Sometimes I get so bad that I can't listen to any music but prior to that point I have trouble with pounding bass. It feels like someone is rattling my brain around in my head. I asked him if he could turn it off. Politely mind you. And he lost it. "I hate how plain vanilla our marriage has gotten." In that nasty whiny voice that to me carries so much more meaning than the words.
Of course by this point I have no energy. I can't think. I can only react. Tears just start streaming down my face. All I can think about is that dinner is ruined. The evening is ruined. He doesn't see a celebration. He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to celebrate with me. He hates our marriage. Probably an over reaction but hey with no spoons left that is how I roll.
I get up. Leave my dinner behind. Lock myself in the bedroom and lie down for an hour. I hear him eating. I hear kid come home and eat. I can hear them talking. Kid goes up to his room and I can hear him walking back and forth over the floor doing god knows what. I want to watch figure skating on the Olympics so I get up and make my way back out to the living room. I'm in full head bobbing mode by now so conversation is impossible.
Hubs says stuff to me while I'm reheating my dinner. I have no memory of what he said. He got huffy and said "Hey I'm apologizing here." I said "I know." And walked off with my dinner. I have absolutely no clue what he said to me. I just knew I couldn't think straight or hold a conversation. I just wanted to eat and watch TV. He hasn't talked to me since and went to bed without letting me know. Normally I tuck him in. Like I said worst Valentine's Day I've ever ever had. I'm still having crying jags over it.
While I was in the bedroom, I had a good long think. Eight hours later I'm still thinking. I can't decide what to do. This sucks. My situation sucks. Do I dissolve the marriage? Do I fight to keep it going? Right now I see very little benefit from staying in it other than having someone to do the dishes occasionally. He mows the lawn and shovels the driveway but that can be fixed by moving to a condo. I would still have to do the dishes and laundry though. What makes it difficult is that other than having no emotional support at all and no support regarding my illness is that things are basically tolerable. He is civil most times and even pleasant once in a while. He doesn't call me names or hurt me physically. As long as I make food and put it in front of him things just keep sailing along like nothing is wrong. We just don't talk. If we go out to dinner by ourselves or out anywhere, he is on his phone. He talks more to his guy friends than me. If he isn't talking he is texting. It makes conversation with him very very difficult and often just breaks the flow to the point where I give up trying. I just don't know. I don't know if I want to go through the stress of breaking up. Also I still kinda like him. His behavior just sucks right now. If I didn't have a 20 year history of a good marriage behind me, I would leave but the fact of the matter is that we've been together for 25 years. That is a long time and most of it was very good. What the hell has happened??? I don't have the know how to fix it. I'm not sure how it is broken in the first place. I just know that I don't like the way things are going and they need to change.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
I know I've been absent for a while. Shortly after kitty passed away I got to spend some quality time in the local hospital (I'll talk about that in another post) and then adopted two new kittens which have been running me ragged. On top of all of this I'm in the middle of my normal winter crash and have little to no energy. So here is a cool vid that won an award. It explains how the gut and the immune system interact. I'm going to have to watch it several times over since it isn't sinking in right now but I love the graphics and I recognize a lot of the tags from various CFS papers/articles.