Infinite Daze

Friday, October 29, 2010

In Mourning

I did something impulsive and in hindsight daft. When I was at the library, I picked up random books that appealed to me as I walked around the stacks of new arrivals. As a result, in addition to the fiction book I originally went there for I also left with a cookbook, a sewing/craft book, a book on ballet for adults and a biography. When I got home I sat out on the deck with my new prizes. I flipped through the sewing book looking at all the cool sewing craft projects. The messenger bag made out of shrunken plastic grocery bags. The date book made out of an inner tube. Then I moved on to the ballet book and perused the pictures of adults of all ages standing at the ballet bar in ballet slippers, tights and skirts. Then it was the cookbook where I found a recipe for pumpkin gnocchi. Drool. As the day wore on and I kept cycling through the pile, as I couldn't walk around due to the shakes, as I couldn't eat dinner due to my stomach being upset, as I barely made it out to the car to take my kid to school I got more and more upset. What audacity I had thinking I could do any of these things. What audacity I had even picking the books up in the first place. In a moment of weakness I forgot I was ill. As I read the books I was reminded of all the things I can no longer do. I wanted to take a ballet class this summer to improve my figure skating. Also, I just plain enjoy doing ballet. I always have since I started when I was six. I was in the middle of sewing my next competition outfit for skating which is currently hanging in the closet unfinished and no longer fits. I can no longer cook which is a huge bone of contention between me and my husband. Besides he probably wouldn't like pumpkin gnocchi even if I was well enough to make it anyway. What audacity! I cried. Maybe someday I will be better. Maybe someday I will dance, skate, sew and cook again. For now I can only look at the pictures and cry.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Waiting for Godot

Agitated

Living Waiting for Godot

by Baffled

Not having a diagnosis,

Not knowing if I will get better,

Not knowing if I will get worse,

Not knowing if I will be able to shower/cook/read/sleep during any given hour,

Not knowing if hubby will have a hissy fit,

Having watched friends drift away,
Having lost contact with co-workers,
Watching hubby leave for work every day,
Watching my kid apply for college.

I find myself waiting.

I am constantly waiting.

Yet no one comes.
No one calls.

Nothing is resolved.

I do things to pass the time.

Rumbling around my four walls;

I read,

I watch TV,

I surf the Internet.

Always waiting.

Constantly in that agitated state.

I wait some more.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Nerd Chicks Are Awesome!

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/2009/01/09/nerd-chicks/

So How Do You Feel?

Apart from this being a line from a song that I really detest, my shrink likes this question. She asked me today "How to you feel about being sick?". I couldn't give her an answer. I've been thinking about this question on and off all afternoon. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a single answer. It's not even that I have multiple answers but rather that the answer changes constantly. It morphs daily, hourly even by the minute. I can be scared, angry, frustrated, lonely, happy, pissed off, annoyed, nonchalant, guilty, worried, anxious, ambivalent and probably a dozen or so more that I don't remember or can't identify. Right now I am ambivalent about it. Ask me again in an hour or maybe tomorrow and I'll give you a totally different answer.