Friday, August 11, 2017

The Four Letter Word

I hate typing the word 'diet'.  I hate being on a diet.  I hate that society wants us to be a certain weight.  I hate that people hate me just because I'm fat.  I hate that I'm fat.  I hate being fat.  I hate trying to find 4X clothing that I don't hate.  I hate not being able to move easily.  I used to be lithe.  I used to be able to get up from a chair or even the floor easily and smoothly.  This sucks and it is why I'm on a diet.  I'm tired of getting stuck in pieces of furniture or having to go to all fours to get up off the floor.  Admittedly some of this is due to CFS/ME but even on my good days I can get stuck.  Having a waterbed that is underfilled also doesn't help.  I have to roll out of it since I don't have the strength to claw my way out.  Okay so maybe not all of it is due to me being huge....  Having CFS/ME sucks too.

But I digress.....

I'm coming up on the two week mark.  Things are progressing well.  I've lost a few pounds.  I'm still fiddling with the software tracker, cronometer.  I ordered a scale for me that is goes up to 450lbs.  I dug out the scale for my food.  I've been very good at logging food, supplements, sleep duration, sleep quality, symptoms and activities.

 Fiddling with the software has been an interesting experience.  I'm almost obsessed with it but it's paid off.  I actually watched the training vids and learned a few tricks that aren't intuitive.  I've figured out how to put my own foods in if they aren't already in the extensive database and even put in recipes and it does all the math for me.  [If you decide to go with this software, just note that typing in brand names will bring up an entirely different list than typing in generic food names.  "yogurt" will get you a totally different list than "Brown Cow yogurt" and the brand name item often won't show in the list if the generic term is used.  Very weird bug if you ask me but anyway...]  Being able to actually see the macro ratios as well as calories has allowed me to adjust in real time what I choose to eat each day.  I've cut way down on carbs and increased my fruit & veg intake.  I keep trying to increase protein but I don't seem to make the minimum almost daily.  It is only when I go over my calorie count that I eat enough protein.  Sigh...  Right now I tend to make the fat goal with difficulty, carbs always go over and protein under.

I set the tracker up for minimal activity/sedentary with a half pound per week weight loss.  This allows me a baseline of 2070 calories a day assuming I burn 2320 calories doing nothing.  I found I tend to go slightly over the 2070 mark but I'm happy if I keep it under 2320.  Of course the few days leading up to the start of my period went higher and higher.  I could always eat a horse the week prior to my period.  I'm STARVING!!  Now that my period started the hunger is abating and I'm settling back into a 2000 calorie day.  If I'm having trouble with this amount of food I can't imagine how many calories I was eating prior to starting this diet.  Geesh...  no wonder I've lost weight already.

My official weigh in is Saturday morning but of course I couldn't wait.  Right now the scale is on the same floor as me so I don't have to go upstairs to use it.  So, I keep weighing myself every morning.  I always gain and then lose water weight around my period so I'm still not sure what my stable weight is yet.  My starting point was the doctor's office at 306.5lbs, which I confirmed when my new scale arrived.  This morning I stepped on the scale and I'm down to 303.6lbs already!!!  I'm only supposed to be losing a half pound a week and I've already lost 3 and possibly more!  Looks like I might be losing 2 pounds per week which is fantastic!  Maybe after this Saturday I'm moving the scale very far away from where I usually tread in the house so I won't obsessively weigh myself and keep it to once a week.

I am scared that this whole thing is going to devolve into an eating disorder.  The last time I went on a serious diet back in 1992 I almost ended up with an eating disorder.  Luckily I got pregnant and was forced to start eating again.  Then in 1998 I read "What if Women Stopped Hating Their Bodies" and started eating what I wanted, when I wanted and as much as I wanted.  It helped me get over the "you're not allowed to eat that" voice in my head.  It helped me stop craving junk foods.  I ate french fries so much their allure went away for me.  I now only eat them if they are very good fries.    This wasn't the case prior.  They were forbidden foods so I MUST eat them.  It was as much a defiance thing as a food thing.

After that point, I started noticing that some foods made me feel better and some food made me feel worse so I started tinkering with what I ate and when I ate it.  I discovered the glycemic index and based my diet on those principles.  I moved to a more organic whole grain type diet.  I finally managed to get my energy levels on an even keel.  I used to crash after lunch and want to sleep under my desk.  Now I had energy over the course of the day and no longer wanted to sleep mid afternoon.  Then I developed a gluten reaction out of nowhere and had to go gluten free.  I did quite well for years but just couldn't lose weight so I decided to exercise more.  I was strong, fit, had great numbers for the doc and I was fat.  I was a fit fatty as they are called.  Anyway....

After getting sick I did a Paleo Whole30 and then ate Primal for two years.  I never lost weight on this diet contrary to all the Paleo weight loss miracles out there.  However, this healed my guts sufficiently to let grains back into my diet.  Things slowly devolved and I was eating lots of carbs at every single meal.  I would eat a half a pizza for dinner without blinking.  A bowl of pasta for snack.  Breakfast sandwiches, lunch sandwiches.  etc.  Now I'm having to retrain myself yet again.  I knew I hadn't been eating enough veg & fruit.  I knew I was eating too many carbs.  I just didn't realize how much.  This experiment has been good for me.  I both loathe it and happy that I'm losing weight at the same time.  I'm learning things and that always interests me.  

I do wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up?  It will take a year to lose a hundred pounds if I don't plateau, which is an impossibility.  Ideally I should lose 150lbs so I'm looking at another two years of dieting.  UGH  I would just be happy to get rid of my double chin and fit into my size 20 clothing again.  I might even get off the CPAP machine!!  Now that would be something to celebrate!

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