Saturday, October 18, 2014

Apartment Shopping

Lately whenever I get really pissed at hubs I start online apartment shopping.  Lately it has become almost an obsession.  I can very clearly picture myself walking into an empty modern loft apartment with nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  No clothes.  No furniture.  No books!  Nothing.  I am there to start my life over.  A new beginning.  A new life from scratch.  

Thing is I just realized that what I'm really after is walking away from my current life.  I want to run away.  I'm so tired of it.  The illness.  The lack of friends.  The lack of family support.  I'm tired of trying to figure things out.  While I'm very very busy trying to learn biology and a way to fiddle with my supplements so that I get even slightly better, my marriage is dissolving into a puddle.  I'm so busy trying to fix me that my marriage is failing.  I don't know how to fix that either.  I can't fix me and I can't fix my marriage so I just want to run away and start over.  From scratch.  Maybe I'll do better next time.

Of course when I realized all this I knew it was impossible.  You can't run away.  Problems have a nasty habit of following you.  I won't get better by moving.  I might get slightly better if mold is involved in my illness but that is a risk.  And I could move with my husband instead of striking out on my own which is this fantasy.  He is never a part of it.  I'm on my own.  

The horrid reality is that I am not well enough to live on my own.  I'm too sick.  I can't walk away.  I can't even pack.  Heck I can't even plan.  On my best days I manage to make both breakfast AND dinner instead of collapsing in a heap by 4pm.  I can't clean.  I can't do laundry.  I can't do dishes.  I can barely cook.  I can't run away.  Hell I can't even walk away.  I need to be pushed in a wheelchair.  
Not sure where this leaves me.  I like my fantasy that I've woven together.  I love the idea of starting over.  Reality bites.  I'm in limbo for now.  

1 comment:

  1. Just wanted you to know that someone out in cyberspace hears you and sends you a big hug. I have ME/CFS too and I hate that feeling of being dependent on someone else. You're not alone.