I'm coming up on my fifth anniversary and starting to dread the fact that I might not get any better. Progress has been so slow and everything sets me back. It doesn't help that February is always my worst month of the year and we've been having horrendous storms that have robbed me of what little energy I have.
What has also upset me is two deaths in the patient community. One from heart complications due to the illness. I don't know the specifics of the second one. I've been reading posts all day in memoriam. Other patients are crying.
For unrelated reasons (mostly being angry at my siblings) I'm in the middle of rewriting my will and adjusting my benefactors for insurance and various accounts. However, this got me thinking that what I once thought would be a very long life might get cut short by this illness. With the deaths today this has hit home particularly hard.
There is a Buddhist practice where you have to sit and meditate on death. This is supposed to aid in the realization of impermanence, that life is fleeting and all things change constantly.
Right now I'm just very sad. There is a good possibility that this illness might just kill me. It is not what I wanted nor what I expected out of this life. Not only do I mourn the loss of my fellow patients but also, truthfully, the loss of my own vibrant existence. I'm now a slave to a body that doesn't work very well. I'm at the mercy of its fickle ways. Today I have no hope.
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