How does one deal with all the emotional baggage when one is ill? I do the British thing and keep a stiff upper lip. I figure that there isn't much I can do about things so why bother getting upset over them. This has generally sufficed to keep my spirits up but I must say that I have had tears manage to break this steely facade. Over the past three months I have probably had four crying jags. They are usually brief and prompted by something such as almost collapsing at the supermarket because I dared to go shopping when I should have been home in bed and three months ago I used to skate hard for two hours straight and now I can't even walk around a supermarket for 30 minutes. It is enough to make a girl cry.
Today was a bit different. This is now my second crying jag prompted by my husband's behaviour. He doesn't do well when I'm sick. He gets angry and slams things around like the fridge door and the dinner dishes (thank god I have Corelle wear or there would be collateral damage). When he gets like this he avoids me like I have the plaque. It doesn't matter if I need food, water, comfort or help to get up to go to the bathroom. He is somewhere else in the house out of my walking range and often out of earshot. When I call him on this he tells me I just needed to ask. How can I ask if I'm not physically able to chase him around the house while he is having a hissy fit like a thirteen year old girl? I generally take this very stoically. I just lie on the couch and watch movies or TV.
Then I go off to see one of my practitioners. All of them are in the healing arts because they care about people who are ill and want to help them get better. They have boundless compassion and when I go there I often cry. I wish I could have this at home. I need someone to care for me not go on a rant that the world is out to get them. I understand that he has lost people in his family so have I. I don't think he has dealt with those losses well. His business is also failing which is another blow. Things aren't going right for him. I get this but I am too sick to deal with the rants. Too sick to deal with hissy fits. Too sick to deal with being ignored. I have had days where I haven't had enough to eat or drink from neglect. Some days I feel like I could pass away in my bed and he wouldn't notice for hours or even days. This makes me horribly sad and even more lonely than I already am. So I cry. These are my deepest saddest crys and often the longest.
Often for no reason that I can tell he gets over it and starts behaving like a human being again. Asking how I'm doing. Checking to see if I need anything. Sitting down and keeping me company for ten or fifteen minutes. As Bella says in Twilight "Your mood swings are giving me whiplash."