Aspirations

I aspire to embrace life with a joyful heart.

Trust and Betrayal

In order to live our lives as reasonably happy human being we have to put a certain amount of trust in others.  Trust in our parents to provide a safe and healthy environment for us to grow up in.  Trust in our family to support us in our endeavors.  Trust in our spouse love and support us through difficult times.   Trust in our workplace that our bosses and coworkers will support us and listen to us.  Trust that our doctors will heal us.  Trust that the insurance you paid for for years will provide the benefits that are listed in the shiny sales brochure.  Trust that if we treat our bodies well they will last until at least 60 before starting to crap out.

But how do you overcome the betrayal when these things don't come true?  How do you overcome growing up in an alcoholic household?  How do you overcome an abusive relationship whether that is a parent, sibling, spouse, co-worker, boss, doctor or even our own bodies?  How do you not spiral down the rabbit hole of self pity, self loathing and despair?

These are a few of the questions that have been rolling around in my head today.  I don't have any answers yet.  I'm guessing that I'm going to have to find other things to trust whether that is Buddhism or a Paleo Diet or something else entirely this remains to be seen.

BTW, trust and betrayal was at the core of my nuclear meltdown last week.  My brain has fused all of these independent events together into one hateful hurtful mass.  Hopefully I'm starting to exorcise my demons.

Nuclear Meltdown

This blog is not a happy blog.  It is a real blog.  It is the documentation of my illness.  Some days I wish it were a happy blog.  One that would inspire people but some days just suck.  This illness sucks.

Over these last three days I had a major meltdown.  I know the trigger.  I can map out events both physical and mental.  However, it still defies explanation of sorts.  It was such an over reaction to a minor event.  Husband made an off hand comment and three days later I find myself in bed completely limp and unable to open my eyes due to lack of energy.  It wasn't a simple crying jag and then I felt better.  This was a hard core full blown melt down.

Since I decided to ride the wave of bad energy instead of fight it, I'm now on the other side of it.  I feel better.  I physically have more energy.  I'm happy.  I'm in a good mood.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow.   I'm bored, which I always take as a sign of doing better (I'm never bored when I'm at my worst, I'm too busy being sick).  

For me, it seemed more like a purge of bad energy.  I've finally battled some of my old demons and won.  I'm ready to take on this illness and the world again.  Maybe this is part of the decent into Hades.  Part of the rebirth of the Phoenix.  Part of the recovery.  Maybe parts of me have to go up in flames before health and balance can be restored.  While I'm glad I'm doing better, I'm hoping future purges aren't nearly as dramatic.

Getting My Head Screwed On Straight

I have read various pieces claiming that blood circulation and fluid circulation is reduced in the brains of CFS patients.  There is definitely brain involvement in my case.  After all I loose the ability to speak when I get really run down and I haven't been able to read consistently since last summer.

One of the stranger symptoms that isn't really talked about is the stuffy feeling I get at the base of my skull.  That is where my constant headache has been since this started.  The headache only goes away with the use of Celebrex, an anti-inflammatory.

I do have to reveal some history about myself, I've had a lot of head and neck injuries over the course of my life.  I've fallen on ice several times both resulting in concussions.  I had a tree fall on my head (weird longish story) which resulted in yet another concussion with symptoms that lasted for months.  It also resulted in neck damage.  I was rear-ended.  Twice.  Within one month.  Severe whiplash both times.  I still have nerve problems in my hands and feet from those and they were years ago.  Needless to say I have been under the care of a wonderful chiropractor for years.  He keeps my neck in line and my head screwed on the right way.

This last crash resulted in the congested feeling at the base of my skull.  I knew my neck was messed up and I hadn't seen Dr. Jones for several weeks so hubby drove me over there last Thursday.  I got instant relief.  I suspect that the flow of cerebral fluid had gotten blocked or at least severely reduced due to my neck being seriously out of alignment.  He had to do a lot of work to get it sorted out.  The congested feeling went away and I started a slow but noticeable improvement.  I wish someone would actually study this illness and find out if neck alignment has anything to do with this illness.

Anyway, I can't say conclusively that all of my improvement over the last few days has been solely from chiropractic adjustments since I bumped up my hydrocortisone doses as well.  Anything to get the inflammation reduced.  I do feel that both the pills and the chiropractic are important parts of my care and I won't give up either one.  I always have at least minor improvement after a visit to Dr. Jones even without any change in my meds.  He may not cure me but he certainly helps me not feel as rotten.

Now that I'm functioning better I want to get back to improving my diet.  I managed to find sprouted spelt bread at Whole Foods.  I have sprouted spelt and sprouted kamut flour in storage in the freezer and spelt sourdough starter in the fridge. I have yogurt culture stored in the fridge and pastured milk in the freezer.  And my meat delivery came today.  So fire up the stove and get ready to cook!  I'm up and about again.  Woohoo!!  Thank you Dr. Jones!

Disaster Averted

With every major crash there is a sense of impending doom.  Is this it?  Will I recover from this one?  Will I continue to get worse until I'm unable to move out of bed?  Will I be able to feed myself or look out of the window a month from now?  Or is this transient?  Will I recover?  Will it be a day, week, month, year, decade before I gain even a little ground?  With this illness one never knows.

Today, I felt better.  Of course I did too much.  But what is too much?  I had the nerve to take a shower because I stank.  I had the audacity to go to the store to order a turkey for Thanksgiving.  I had the gall to go out to dinner with my husband because I love eating out with him.  Yes, I was brash today.  I did too much and I enjoyed it.  I had a good day!  With this illness one never knows.

Being Human (UK)

I recently reinstated my Netflix account.  I found that Amazon Prime just didn't do it for me.  They have very few free good movies or TV shows.  Anything half decent they charge money for even if you can get it on Hulu for free.  Many of the "movies" are dummy logos with a ten minute interview clip rather than the full version.  The full versions you have to pay money for and you don't get a discount as a Prime member.  It is also really hard to browse around.  The menus keep dumping back to the pay movies.  Not worth the money so I switched back to Netflix.

One of the new shows I found is the British version of Being Human.  I've watched a few episodes of the American version on Hulu.  It passed the time but wasn't anything spectacular.  The English version is fantastic!  Great acting.  Good stories.  And I found myself relating to the characters in an odd way.  

The basic story line is that a ghost, a vampire and a werewolf end up living in a flat together in Bristol (which happens to be the first town I remember living in: I was 6).  All they want to do is be human.  Instead they find themselves isolated and friendless due to their "condition".  They have to make pretend everything is okay when they go out in public.  They hide when their "condition" starts to act up. 

It is a perfect metaphor for chronic illness.  I found myself relating to them.  Not being able to leave the house.  Not being able to have friends.  It being a huge triumph when they finally have the neighbors over for tea.  Success being measured as having a normal day.  An ordinary day.  I am very hooked on this show.    

That Takes The Biscuit

I'm angry.  And frustrated.  And annoyed.