Another Alternate Universe Doctor's Visit

The only explanation for this is alternate reality.  One where the use of normal logic and brain cells doesn't exist.

I went to for my annual ob/gyn exam today.  Nothing has changed: I have the same address, same insurance (but new card #), same policy, same primary care doc, same employer, same phone number, etc.  I have been seeing this doctor for almost ten years so I'm not new to the office. 

Okay, so I go up to the window to check in:
receptionist: "Do you live at ## X Street?"
Me: yes
R: Your phone number is ###-###-####?
M: yes
R: Your insurance is blah?
M: yes
R: You work at blah blah?
M: yes
R: Your work phone number is ###-###-####?
M: yes
etc
She is checking all this stuff on her computer monitor and I confirm that everything is the same.  They take my insurance card because for some reason that makes sense to corporate health care the number had to be changed on my card even though the plan hasn't changed a bit.  I guess it keeps some manager's kid employed at insurance headquarters.  The receptionist hands me a pile of forms to fill out.  Apparently they make the patients fill out the lab work forms so they don't have to do them.  However she doesn't mark which boxes I'm supposed to fill out of the thousand on the form.  I manage to pick out name, address, phone and insurance info (which I can't fill out since she has my card) out of the plethora of lines and boxes and I dutifully fill them in.  The next form is a fill-in-the-blank for their office and guess what?  It is the same 20 questions that I just answered at the window.  The same 20 answers that are in their computer system.  The same form I filled out the last time I was here a year ago with the same 20 answers.  I leave half of them blank and use as many abbreviations as possible.  This is STUPID.  It probably gets filed away and no one ever reads the thing anyway. 

She calls me up to the window because they are having trouble with my insurance card.  I don't know who did what but the 20 questions start again: "who is your primary doctor?" (uh did this change since five minutes ago?) , "who is your insurance company?" (like duh I can see my card in your hand from here!  Who do you think it is??).  "Well the computer says you have Amica." (and of course the computer is right??  right??).  "That is my auto insurance," I tell her.  (why in hell does my ob/gyn have my auto insurance in their system?) "But the computer won't let me put in your health insurance number."  (and this is my problem how??  I can't fix this for you.)  "Do you see any other doctors in blah practice?" "No just my primary," I answer.  They look utterly stumped.  I get the deer in the headlights stare from the insurance lady.  (Sorry I really can't fix this for you or even attempt to figure out what you guys did to mess up your database.  I'm smart but not that smart particularly since I am on the other side of the window and not at your work station.  If you gave me an hour I could probably hack your system and fix it for you but I don't think you'll let me do that.)  "We'll have to figure this out."  (ah yeah I'll just go over here, sit down and read my book) 

The receptionist calls me back to the window.  "You have to fill in you DOB on the labwork form and your insurance number and fill in the emergency contact information and insurance information on the office form."  (Your kidding right?  Are your fingers broken?  Does your brain not work?  Do you expect me to drop dead in your office so you will need to call my spouse?  Why am I being punished for not filling out your anal forms correctly?  All this already exists on file since I filled this form out the last ten times I've been here, it is also in your computer system and NONE OF IT HAS CHANGED!!  WTF!?!)  Can you tell I'm starting to loose my patience here?  Then the insurance lady calls from the other work station "Don't worry we figured out the problem with your insurance card!"  She was so happy.  I just mumbled "I wasn't worried."  (which I truly wasn't, after all it isn't my problem anyway so why should I worry?)  I kind of busted her bubble.  Ah my geeky introverted self bursts forth and does something socially inappropriate.  Of course a good deal of my lack of patience has to do with the sheer number of doctor appointments I've had to go to this year, the reams of paperwork I've had to fill out and the fact that the people putting the data into the computers will fight you to the death that the computer is right and the patient is wrong.

I go back to my seat after three rounds of 20 questions and two rounds of anal form filling.  Now, I am the ONLY one in the waiting area.  I've been the only one here since arriving 15 minutes ago.  The nurse comes out and asks me if my name is blah? (You have GOT to be kidding me!  I know they like double checking and such but can't you be a bit more subtle than that? ARGH!) 

The rest of the appointment slipped back into real space.  I was no longer asked what my name, phone number, insurance company etc was.  However, I was now crashing and had a headache and was worried about how in hell I was going to drive myself home as my brain fog started to ooze back in.  Sometimes I swear doctors' offices exist in an alternate reality.