It dawned on me this week that I had lost my way. I feel like that cow that keeps wandering over to the next grass patch and then another and another and when I finally look up I can't figure out where the barn got to. I need to find my way back. To use some tattered old phrases: I need to keep my eyes on the prize, keep my goals in sight, keep reaching for the brass ring.
To what am I referring, you might ask? In the effort to prove myself ill to the doctors, to prove that I'm not lying to the insurance company, to show the world that I am indeed sick, I forgot that my first and foremost goal is to get better or at least not make myself sicker.
I've become so caught up in my battle with lawyers and insurance companies, so worried about finances and specialist referrals and too emotionally involved with cranky doctors that want nothing to do with a patient with a chronic unfixable illness never mind a patient with a legal case pending, that I forgot that my main goal, NAY, my PRIMARY goal, is to do things to take care of myself and help me feel better. There may not be a cure but there sure as hell is a way to make myself worse.
I have been eating crappy. I have been sleeping crappy. I have been tolerating too much pain. I haven't been doing enough nice things for myself. I haven't been resting enough. I haven't been making myself comfortable enough. I am much too angry. I have been doubting myself. I have even been doubting my own reality.
So I decided this week that I'm going to beat this thing or at least work towards a more functional Ms Baffled. This is going to be a slow process. It is going to take a while. I have to loose some of my ego. I have to let go of toxic people particularly if they happen to be doctors. Despite what anyone says I AM sick. If they don't want to take care of me, then I will have to take care of me. I need to let go of being a 'good wife'. I am sick and hubby is going to have to make peace with this new reality without taking it out on me or the family.
So what is the plan so far?
Eat organic food.
Eat at least one piece of raw fruit every day.
Eat at least one vegetable every day.
Eat whole grains.
No wheat. No cheating.
Get help balancing my daily food choices from a nutritionist.
Get help with my supplements from my new holistic doc.
Get more help dealing with cranky pants hubby.
Get out in the sun as much as possible without getting a sunburn.
No cleaning, picking up or cooking if I'm pooped. Even if hubby has a hissy fit.
Learn to crochet.
Take up drawing again. I want to do pastels.
Take a break from whatever I am doing at least every hour if not more often. Set a timer if need be.
If I'm tired stop and go lie down. No pushing. Its not worth it. It will still be there later.
Find some medication to help improve the quality of my sleep.
Let go and let God. I can't control most things in life. I should know this by now.
Take pain meds when in pain. I don't need to suffer.
Make my bed more comfortable.
Make my desk more comfortable.
Look into getting myself a laptop.
Watch something funny before I go to bed.
Do something each day to intentionally take care of myself. Be selfish.
So what did I do today?
When I got tired I stopped typing up the document for the lawyer even though it wasn't done. I saved it as is and moved away from the desk and lay down on the couch for a well deserved rest.
I made a new friend over a pot of tea. She is a friend of a friend and we had been talking on Facebook for months now. We finally decided that we had to get together and have a good chat. She came over for an hour so that I wouldn't get tired out from the visit. And she brought scones and Irish butter. We had a delightful time.
After she left I was tired but it was the first warm sunny day here in New England after a dreary overly long winter. So I went out in the yard and laid down in the hammock in the sun. I even took my top off so that I could have more skin contact with the sunlight. I figured that I'm having so much trouble with low vitamin D levels I would treat myself to an old fashioned sun bath. It was delicious having the sun warm my skin. I could feel it sinking in and warming my joints. Even my hands and feet were warm for a change.
I also got to deeply relax. I watched the crinkled brown leaves of last year tenaciously hang on to the branches of the old maple tree as they rustled in the afternoon breeze. I heard the call of the first red wing blackbirds returning from the never never to reinhabit the neighborhood for the summer. I watched as the pair of local hawks found a thermal and circled ever higher until they were smaller than the period at the end of this sentence. And much to my delight I spotted the first Robin of spring. It is official. Spring has arrived. When I finally arose from the hammock I was in a good mood. Finally happy with the day.