Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sick Humor: My Illness Narative

Ah the stories we tell ourselves.  They don't always make sense.....

In a galaxy far far away, a long time ago there was a Fairy Princess who worked in a garage as an auto mechanic.  One day as she stood under a car trying to wrench out a piece of the front end a sharp stabbing pain hit her in the side of the head.  Something not quite like having an ice pick driven into her skull just above her right ear.  Thus began 30 years of atypical migraines.  She believed that it was the spirit of her long dead evil father come back to exact his revenge on her for not being a perfect daughter.

A few years later, the Fairy Princess ran away from the land of Sears Autocenter and ended up taken in by the kindly engineers at Coulter Scientific Corporation where she built lasers and was happy.  There the elders taught her soldering and optical mounting and computer programming and she became wise.  But suddenly, out of the blue, an evil spell was cast upon her and she suddenly felt like she was 60 years old instead of 25.  She was stiff in the mornings and her joints hurt.  She didn't know what was wrong but she found hot showers soothing and took refuge in an aerobics class for seniors at the local YMCA.

As the Fairy Princess grew up she went from doctor to doctor telling them that she was tired and sore and stiff in the mornings.  The doctors did blood tests and MRIs and sleep studies only to find nothing.  She was turned away with the admonition to "just loose some weight and you'll feel better".  Occasionally a doctor would take pity on her and send her to physical therapy for a while until the evil insurance company cut her off telling everyone that she should be cured by now.  And she crawled off back to the gym as that seemed to be the only way she could get some relief from the stiffness and pain.  If she stopped moving, her body turned into that of a 90 year old lady, gnarled and cramped and limping in pain.  It wasn't until many many years later a Kindly Rheumatologist finally solved the mystery and revealed to the Fairy Princess that she had Fibromyalgia.   Although the Kindly Rheumatologist was wise enough to solve the mystery that had plagued the Fairy Princess for decades she did not posses the magic powers to release the Fairy Princess from the grips of the evil spell.

Eventually, the Fairy Princess was all grown up, had married her Prince Charming and even had a Little Prince of her own.  Life was good, work was good and she had discovered the age old fairy princess tradition of figure skating.  On the ice she whirled and twirled and had a wonderful time.  She skated for several years with the other fairy princesses in their sparkly outfits and they all passed tests and won medals for being the best fairy princess skaters.   She was very happy.

But then a third evil spell was cast upon her.  She and her son, the Little Prince, came down with a terrible virus.  They both had fevers and very very sore throats.  In a stroke of luck the Little Prince recovered but it was too late for the Fairy Princess.  She had been caught and swept away by Mr. ME.  A horrible evil man that tried to steal the Fairy Princess away from her Prince Charming and Little Prince.  He made her very very ill.  Sometimes she couldn't walk or talk or even think.  She could no longer skate with the other fairy princesses in their sparkly outfits.  She could no longer roam the lands with her Prince Charming or play with her Little Prince.  Evil Mr. ME locked her up in the tower of her own castle where she couldn't see anyone or go anywhere.  When she cried out to the doctors and insurance companies for help and told them she was locked in a tower, the doctors being ignorant and the insurance companies being evil themselves, they told her there was nothing wrong with her, Mr. ME was a figment of her imagination and if she just thought happy thoughts the door would magically unlock and she would be free.  So no one came to her rescue and she was very very sad.

Then a Fairy Godmother appeared and declared that she was working on a cure for a new virus called XMRV.  She would have a treatment within a year.  So now the Fairy Princess is waiting in her castle.   Her hair is growing long like Rapunzel as she awaits rescue from being trapped in the tower by evil Mr. ME.  She longs to rejoin her Prince Charming and Little Prince on their adventures in the wide wide world.

1 comment:

  1. Okay. What a great way to tell your story! Oh my gosh! Loved it. (don't love that you are sick, though).