I don't have words for how I'm feeling. I guess the best description would be waffling. One day I'm ready to give up on my marriage, the next I think everything will be fine. One day I've got some energy and think I'm going to beat this, the next I'm crashed and thinking that I'm going to be sick forever. One day I'm happy, the next sad.
Hence I really haven't been able to write. Things are in flux. Everything is in flux. I have no pearls of wisdom. Instead I feel adrift tossed about by events beyond my control.
I haven't even been able to see my shrink because she works out of a second floor office with no elevator. I've been so crashed these past few weeks I can't make it up the stairs.
I need to rest to get better. If I don't do anything around the house my husband gets mad. If I push myself to get dinner on the table, I get tired, then cranky, then snippy and then my husband gets ticked off with me. If I lie down a lot he gets mad. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I can't control my illness. I can't control my recovery. I can't control my marriage. I can't control my finances. I can't control my medical care.
I am so angry. Angry at my body for betraying me. Angry at my insurance company for betraying me. Angry at my husband for betraying me. Angry at various doctors for betraying me.
What do I have left? Do I have the strength to survive this? Things need to change. Something needs to change but what?