Sunday, June 5, 2011

"Should I Stay of Should I Go Now?"

I had a revelation today.  During my son's graduation ceremony today at his high school, my husband came up to me and squatted down next to my wheelchair to share a story with me.  Without thinking I ran my hand over his hair and down his arm.  I'm still in love with this guy.  He can be very nice.  He can be very sweet.  I married him because of this.  This is why I find his behaviour so baffling.  I've known this guy just shy of 25 years.  That is a long time.  The meanness, the temper tantrums, the spitefulness is all new.  I've never seen this in him before.  Living with someone for 25 years means this isn't behaviour that has been hidden away.  It is brand spanking new.  It is why I've been blindsided with it.  I so didn't see this coming.  It also makes the whole idea of divorce so messy.  If he was always nasty this would be a no brainer.  I would up and leave in a heartbeat.  But he swings hot and cold.  One day he is super nice to me; takes good care of me and even gives me hugs.  The next day he is slamming doors and telling me he wants out.  I am so very confused.  The messages are so mixed.  I just don't know what to do other than to drag his butt back to couple's therapy and try and wait this out some more.

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