I get weird about being stuck in the house. This is a kickback to when I was a kid. I grew up in a violent alcoholic household. There was lots of verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse. This occurred back before restraining orders existed or it was the law to report abuse of a minor. I felt trapped since I had to live there and couldn't drive and didn't earn enough money to move out on my own. I escaped by going off to college, making sure that I got a degree and then a good job so that I never had to depend upon anyone ever again. Up till last year that was true. I was independent. I had chosen to marry and chosen to stay with my husband for 20 years. However, I was still capable of living on my own if I wanted to.
Since I have become sick and gave up driving I'm dependent upon others. I need rides. I need someone to push me in the wheelchair. Sometimes I almost have to beg to get to go someplace I want which is infuriating. I can't go visit people I want to see. I can't go to the stores I want to go to. I can't go grocery shopping where I want to. I can't get to the farms to purchase raw dairy. I am absolutely dependent upon the whims of my son and husband as to when I get to go out and where I get to go to.
This drives me absolutely loopy. Sometimes, like last week, it starts to feel more like I'm in jail. With hubby working most of the week it often felt like I was in solitary.
Now I've said before that I'm a hardcore introvert so normally I have no trouble being by myself. I do start to have trouble with it when it isn't my own choice. That slight variation in intention sends me off the deep end. I fall into despair and get really wonky. I avoid people and contact even more and get all mopey, grumpy and ill tempered. I start to think the worst of my family. I start to feel trapped. Caged. Of course with CFS this makes my physical symptoms worse so this is the start of a downward spiral. I watch myself circling the proverbial drain getting worse and worse each day.
I haven't figured out how to stop this yet. I've only just figured out that this is happening, what the triggers are and why it is such an intense experience for me (reminds me of being trapped at home when I was a kid). It is an intense visceral reaction. But just the recognition and acknowledgement of it is good. It is the start of understanding and the start of unraveling the puzzle. Once the puzzle is solved then healing and reconciliation can begin. Maybe next time my husband is off in the wide world being busy I won't get quite so wound up.