Monday, October 4, 2010

Off In LaLa Land

It has been a rough few weeks.  I can't believe how bad my physical symptoms have become.  I am now only functional an hour at a time and if I am lucky it happens twice in one day instead of once.  I'm not that tired but my muscles keep quitting on me.  I get the shakes.  I get cold.  I can't even sit up.

Today takes the cake though.  In an act of defiance and desperation I really really wanted to go shopping at Whole Foods to pick up GF food supplies and shampoo both of which I had run out of since I've been too sick to shop properly for three weeks now.  So I peel myself off the couch where I had been reading for the last two hours.  I should have recovered enough from breakfast so that I could shower but I knew when I stood up that I was pushing the envelope.  I didn't care.  I wanted to at least smell good.  I was tired of having grubby hair.  This was my third day without a shower.  So off I went.  I did my usual thing of propping myself up against the wall while I washed.  Kept my elbow on the wall while I shampooed my hair so I wouldn't fall over when I closed my eyes.  The little energy I had drained out of my muscles before I was done rinsing the conditioner out.  I shut the water off and was stuck propped in the corner of the shower.  The towel seem a mile away.  I yelled for my husband to no avail.  I kept looking at the towel and wondering if I could make it to the other side of the tub without cracking my head open.  I lost it and cried.  Why in hell can't I take a simple shower?  I just want to not be grubby anymore.  I want to be able to go out and buy food for myself and get the organic shampoo that I like.

I decided that if I leaned on the tub edge with both hands I might survive exiting the tub without a loss of consciousness.  I managed to slowly drag one foot out of the tub, shift my weight and then drag my second foot out.  I seriously consider sitting on the floor but I know that once down there I have little hope of getting up again.  I swing my ass around and sit unceremoniously down on the toilet seat.  Thank God I have a small bathroom.  I am now freezing cold, dripping wet and shaking.  I reach for the towel and wrap it around me.  I notice blood drops everywhere.  Great I'm bleeding.  I wipe my face on the towel and more blood appears.  I have a nosebleed.  Just peachy.  I call for hubby over and over again.  He must not be able to hear me.  I don't have the strength to yell very loudly.  I'm shaking and cold.  After a few more attempts I say screw it and descend to the floor.  At least I'm close to the ground if I totally loose it and end up collapsing.  I try yelling again and again.  Still no answer.  I'm tired.  I surrender and lie down on the floor.  Now I'm totally freezing.  The fan is drawing in fresh air and it is flowing over my very wet body.  I have a damp towel draped over me which helps a little and I just close my eyes.  If I just rest long enough I should get some function back and be able to move again.   After a while I decide to try sitting up again which I manage to do.  Then I hear the tell tale sign of movement in the adjacent room.  I yell again.  No answer.  One more time and I hear the exasperated sound of my husband's voice at the bathroom door.  He comes in to find me in a heap on the floor.  Suddenly he is worried.  I can't talk properly I don't have the energy to explain what happened.  He keeps asking what is wrong and all I can tell him is that I need to lie down.  He is holding me up so I don't have to worry about keeling over again.  He combs my hair and with a Herculean effort on my part he helps me to stand up.  I have never ever had the shakes that badly.   He asks me if I'm cold which I am but the shakes are really from weakness.  I can't move on my own.  I'm totally spent.  He props me up between the wall and the sink and runs off for my bathrobe mistakenly thinking that will stop me from shaking so much.  He manages to get the robe on me and takes my arms and assists me to my bed.  He brings over some clothes and all I can manage is "screw the underwear put the blanket over me and give me a pillow".  Not very polite but I'm not up for a big speech right now.  He tucks me in bed, gives me a kiss and leaves to pick up the kid and go to the market for some dinner.  So much for me getting some nice shampoo or Udi's bread.  I just lie there.  I'm too spent to even hurt much.  I can't even keep my eyes open.  Since I'm not tired I don't sleep.  I just lie there in the shuttered half light of my room listening to the sounds of my neighborhood.  It is four in the afternoon.  I have been up for exactly three hours.  I've been on the couch for two of them.  I didn't even have enough juice in the battery to take a short shower.  WTF??  This is ridiculous!! 

I have no explanation for this crash.  I have no explanation for its severity.  I would understand if I had a cold, my period or that I had gone ice skating.  But no!  I haven't done a thing.  In fact I've been pretty lazy this past three weeks since I've been recovering from the mental breakdown I had.  I should be getting better not worse.  What the hell?

I did have a nice surprise though.  My husband was so concerned he contacted my doc and insisted that he do something.  My doc is going to call Tufts tomorrow and check on the status of my blood tests and the recommendations they have for me.  My official appointment isn't for another two weeks.   I hope he manages to talk with someone over there.  It would be great to finally have a diagnosis and maybe an action plan.  Then again this all could be wishful thinking on my part. 

What ever I have SUCKS!!

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