It Hurts

This isn't fun for me.
I miss the person that I married.
You are broken.
You are punishing the entire family.
Our marriage is worn out.
Pushing you around in a wheelchair is not my idea of fun.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always this miserable, but this weekend just takes the cake.  My defenses are down and I just don't have the fight left in me to deflect these missile attacks.  I've been locked up in the house for days and haven't had anyone to talk with.  My kid has even been sick so he is even more morose than his usual teenage boy self.  After six months of these comments it is wearing me down.  I'm getting depressed and crying a lot.  I feel like I'm alone.  It is just me, my illness and my cats.  While I have moments where I feel totally worthless I try to remind myself that I have given up my career for these two.  I spent the last 17 years taking care of my kid and the last 20 taking care of my husband.  I've lost promotions because I couldn't work late or had to leave often to take care of the sick kid.  I didn't get to go back to school to get an advanced degree because I was too busy being wife and mom and full time employee.  In my field you have to put in long hours to get ahead.  40 hours doesn't cut it.  I can't tell you how many times I've been passed over due to the mommy factor.  While this stinks I made peace with it years ago.  I'm happy that I could be a wife and mother.  It was more important to me than being A1 engineer.  I have provided food, income, nurturing and health insurance for my family for 20+ years.  Even though I've been ill for six months, due to the fantastic job I have (still have waiting for me), I got full pay for 6 months, 60% pay for the next two years and all my insurance premiums paid in full.  Even while I'm sick I'm still providing for them.  But apparently this isn't enough.  This isn't good enough.  20 years wasn't enough.  I'm not interesting enough or entertaining enough or provide enough meals or cleaning services.  I'm so jealous when I read of others whose spouses arrange for trips and take them places and spend time with them.  I'm just a lump on a couch that occasionally gets asked if I'm ok.  I'm broken.  I'm alone.  And very very sad..........