Sunday, November 7, 2010

It Hurts

This isn't fun for me.
I miss the person that I married.
You are broken.
You are punishing the entire family.
Our marriage is worn out.
Pushing you around in a wheelchair is not my idea of fun.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always this miserable, but this weekend just takes the cake.  My defenses are down and I just don't have the fight left in me to deflect these missile attacks.  I've been locked up in the house for days and haven't had anyone to talk with.  My kid has even been sick so he is even more morose than his usual teenage boy self.  After six months of these comments it is wearing me down.  I'm getting depressed and crying a lot.  I feel like I'm alone.  It is just me, my illness and my cats.  While I have moments where I feel totally worthless I try to remind myself that I have given up my career for these two.  I spent the last 17 years taking care of my kid and the last 20 taking care of my husband.  I've lost promotions because I couldn't work late or had to leave often to take care of the sick kid.  I didn't get to go back to school to get an advanced degree because I was too busy being wife and mom and full time employee.  In my field you have to put in long hours to get ahead.  40 hours doesn't cut it.  I can't tell you how many times I've been passed over due to the mommy factor.  While this stinks I made peace with it years ago.  I'm happy that I could be a wife and mother.  It was more important to me than being A1 engineer.  I have provided food, income, nurturing and health insurance for my family for 20+ years.  Even though I've been ill for six months, due to the fantastic job I have (still have waiting for me), I got full pay for 6 months, 60% pay for the next two years and all my insurance premiums paid in full.  Even while I'm sick I'm still providing for them.  But apparently this isn't enough.  This isn't good enough.  20 years wasn't enough.  I'm not interesting enough or entertaining enough or provide enough meals or cleaning services.  I'm so jealous when I read of others whose spouses arrange for trips and take them places and spend time with them.  I'm just a lump on a couch that occasionally gets asked if I'm ok.  I'm broken.  I'm alone.  And very very sad..........


  1. I'm so very sorry to hear that you are suffering so. But please know that you are NOT alone. You may not have met any of us in person, but you have lots of friends here in the virtual world. Friends who completely understand what it's like to live your life, what it's like to live with this crippling illness, what it's like to no longer be able to do all of the things you were able to do before. We are here for you.

    On a brighter note, your support from your company is astonishing and wonderful! Lots of people get completely forgotten by their companies when they become disabled with CFS or other illnesses. Since you have some income still coming in, perhaps you could help relieve some of the stress and strain in your household by hiring some help - cleaning help, cooking help, yard help, get groceries delivered (usually only costs a tiny bit extra), etc. Now that I have CFS, we consider a cleaning service a necessity rather than a luxury. Maybe that would help a little. And maybe a weekend away with friends would help your husband gain some perspective and get a break. Just some thoughts...

    You're not alone.


  2. I'm so sorry, dear. You are worthy. Perhaps your family just doesn't quite know how to handle these changes yet. I'll keep you in my prayers. Blessings to you.

  3. {{{hugs}}}

    You are a great wife and mother.
    Don't let anyone make you think any less.
    I hope things will be better soon.
    If you need to rant, RANT away ...

    Like Jamie said, YOU ARE WORTHY!!

  4. Thanks everyone. You cheered me up a bit. Horrible day. It might be my thyroid acting up. Who knows. I'm not usually this morose. Things just got to me today. Wish I could get out the house and visit with someone. It would probably do me a lot of good.

  5. Thanks for the suggestions Sue. I do use a cleaning lady. I have for years. I highly recomend it for anyone that needs a set of extra hands. I've used the grocery delivery service as well but shopping is one of the things I refuse to give up with this illness. I feel like it is the one thing I can do once in a while to be usefull to my family. It is kind of my last stand. Weird cuz I never used to like shopping much but now it has become symbolic.