Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Who am I?

I don't currently know. I'm in transition or rather in limbo. I have a diagnosis of mono but suspect that I really have post viral fatigue syndrome. The diagnosis itself is an academic exercise at this point since the treatment is the same: listen to your body, don't push yourself, rest and eat well. I am still not equating myself with a particular illness since I'm still not sure of its name. So I'm adrift. Too tired to work, too sore to sleep. I am 80% housebound leaving only for doctors appointments and the once a week trip to the small market to get food for myself and family (yes, I could shop online but the trip to the store is one of my defiances against the illness so I'm not giving that up just yet).

My life these past four months has been so different. I used to play with lasers and now I watch butterflies and bees. I used to cook and now I watch movies. I used to figure skate competitively and now I sleep. I used to sew and garden now I pet my cat. I used to be wife and mom and now I am nobody. I can't work: I can't housewife: I can't mother: I can't skate: I can't sew. But being nobody is turning out to be interesting. I'm doing things I enjoy like reading the same Jane Austin novel several times over; watching Farscape episodes, in order, from the begining, on Netflix; learning that I was named after my mom's ballet teacher and my dad named both of my siblings; finding out that my teenage son really does give a crap about me; and, of course, floating aimlessly in the pool. Now, I get to watch grass sway, birds and bats soar, and clouds disolve. I get to pay attention to the minutiae of life that I was too busy for when I was well. I get to rest in a quiet house, alone. I am no longer a slave to my house, job, traffic, or a clock. I'm floating free through life. I get to just Be. Which is a wonderful thing.


  1. You always amaze me how you tell the bad and then land with the beautiful! Awesome job!

    I'm glad you are part of our 'family' now!

  2. I'm glad you are here "beeing"....great blog!

  3. Love your blog & your attitude. Humor will keep you sane!! Also glad to know there's another Farscape junkie other there!! We're glad you're here.


  4. Wow, this truly brought tears to my eyes. I am sitting by my Mother's bedside in her nursing home and feeling quite vulnerable now. Your words hit home...but never ever say you are a nobody! You are somebody and everything to someone.